


Ferret Tales

by Small_Hobbit



Series: The Ocelot Collection [9]
Category: Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-07-16 06:51:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7256794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Hobbit/pseuds/Small_Hobbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone is needed to sneak into a house through the pipes, and the Ferret is the ideal creature to do so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Ferret's New Clothes

**Author's Note:**

> The original ideas came from [A discussion around "The Speckled Band"](http://sherlock60.livejournal.com/603666.html?thread=5897234#t5897234). I am therefore not responsible for most of them.

“But why me?” the Ferret demanded.  “Surely one of you could do the job better.”

“Someone has to sneak in through the pipes and you’re ideal for the job.  I’ve seen you at the ferret races and you can be quite fast.  When you want to.”  The last sentence was said with a touch of bitterness.

“Oh really, Doctor,” the Ocelot said.  “You should know better than to bet on a ferret.  They get half way out and then stop for a scratch.  Or it’s too windy, or it might rain.”

“Everyone said it adds to the fun,” the Ferret complained.

“Not if you’ve just lost three guineas,” Dr Watson muttered.

A small voice from the shelf above their heads said, “My Inspector says gambling is illegal.  And my Inspector should know.”

“That’s neither here nor there, Mouselet,” the Ocelot replied.  “And do try not to drool, it makes my fur sticky.”

“I thought you said there was a costume?” the Ferret asked.

“There is, it’s coming.  The Sloth’s bringing it.”  Inky, the Porcupine, answered.  He’d not commented up to that point, finding the idea of ferret racing rather a novel one.

“In which case, I might as well be off,” the Ferret said.  “He won’t be here for ages.”

“Who won’t be here?” the Sloth asked.  “Sorry for the delay.  The corset maker had to make a few last minute adjustments.”

“Corset?” the Ferret squeaked.  “Nobody mentioned a corset.”

“How else are we going to get you into a snake skin?” the Ocelot asked.

Between them, the Sloth and Inky unpacked the costume and showed the Ferret the top and trousers.  There were leg holes cut into the costume, to allow the Ferret to climb up the pipe to begin with, after which he just needed to tuck his legs inside the costume so they couldn’t be seen.  There had been some discussion as to how to accommodate his tail, but in the end it was decided to let the tail stick out and hope it was seen as a snake’s tail, for he should be able to stick to the shadows.

Between them Dr Watson and Mouselet laced the Ferret into the corset. 

The Sloth looked critically at the Ferret.  “You seem to have got fatter again,” he commented. 

“What happened to the diet?” Inky asked.

“Well, I stopped on the way here, you know, for a little snack.  Like you do.”

There was a collected sigh and Mouselet said, “You see, that’s why I insisted the trousers needed to be elasticated.”

Finally, after a lot of pushing and pulling the Ferret was inserted into his snake outfit.  “I am not going out like this,” he moaned.

“Oh no,” the Ocelot agreed.  “Too much chance you’ll tear it.  You can put it on again when we get there.  Right, everyone, off we go!”

 


	2. What The Ferret Did Next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You may be wondering why a ferret, apparently dressed in a snake skin suit, is currently climbing up a drainpipe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for LJ's Fan Flashworks "Crack" challenge

You may be wondering why a ferret, apparently dressed in a snake skin suit, is currently climbing up a drainpipe.  In fact, this is very much what the ferret himself is wondering.  
  
The ferret is also thinking the snake suit is far too tight, despite the corset he has on underneath.  However, the fact the suit trousers have an elasticated waistband does mean he can breathe.  At least climbing the drainpipe isn’t a problem.  
  
Following instructions the ferret exits the drainpipe and makes his way along the gaps in the brickwork.  He has had to memorise a plan of the building, since he cannot carry the map with him.  Again this is not a problem; he is quite capable of following a complicated maze if he wants to.  He rather resents the ocelot’s emphatic ‘do not get distracted’, which was accompanied by the doctor’s pointed stare.  (Dr Watson had recently lost a bet at a ferret race, but then betting on ferret races is a mug’s game, even more so than horse racing.)  
  
Poking his head through a very small gap the ferret sees a canary in a cage.  He’s half way through the gap when he realises wearing a snake suit would not be conducive to creeping up on the bird, and wriggles, with some difficulty, back through the gap.  Reversing in a snake suit is not easy.  
  
Finally, he reaches his destination.  He can hear two voices, one of which he recognises as that of Sherlock Holmes.  He creeps onto a narrow shelf, high up on the wall.  As instructed, he pulls in his paws, so he resembles a short fat snake.  He is grateful the lamplight is low.  Somehow he feels an exclamation of “Why is there a ferret in a snake suit on the shelf?” would not add to the drama of the situation.  He’s also not sure whether Mr Holmes is expecting him to be there.  
  
The other man is speaking, “A fantastical tale, Mr Holmes, but one surely no-one will believe.  You will have to try much harder than that.”  
  
The ferret makes his best slithery ‘look at me, I’m a snake’ move and the man looks up and screams.  The ferret is not impressed at the reaction to his acting ability.  
  
The man falls to the ground, clasping his chest and saying, “It was all true.  I admit it.”  
  
At which point Inspector Bradstreet bursts into the room, followed by Dr Watson.  
  
Bradstreet calmly snaps the handcuffs on the man and between Bradstreet and Holmes they haul him to his feet and the three of them escort him out of the room and downstairs to where the police vehicle is waiting.  
  
The ferret tries and fails to get his front paws back through his costume, the top half of which seems to have twisted round.  He is attempting to work out how to manoeuvre himself with just his back legs, when the doctor returns, opens his medical bag and says, “If I hold this up, can you jump into it?”  
  
The ferret nods, pushes off with his back legs and lands with a bit of a thud in the bag.  He is really looking forward to removing both snake suit and corset.


	3. A New Costume

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following his success in the snake suit, the ferret is called upon again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for LJ's Watson's Woes July Writing Prompts, prompt "A false moustache" (or other disguise)

“No, just No!”  The ferret sat down firmly on his haunches and glared at the assembled company.  
  
“You won’t have to wear the corset,” the ocelot commented.  
  
“Oh, but please.”  Mouselet was almost in tears.  “It’s for Inspector Hopkins.  He needs you.”  
  
“Why don’t you do it then?” the ferret replied.  
  
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Inky the porcupine said.  “She’s far too small.”  
  
“Face it, old chap,” Dr Watson said.  “If I’ve got to be an organ grinder, you’ll have to be the monkey.”  
  
The sloth produced the latest costume.  “And you’ll look very sweet in the little hat and jacket.”


	4. Teamwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One cannot go into action as either an organ grinder (Watson) or monkey (the ferret) without suitable preparation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for LJ's Watson's Woes July Writing Prompts, prompt "A Team Effort" Teamwork saves the day, or not.

Despite the ferret’s protestations, preparations for his next role proceeded apace.

The small barrel organ was delivered.  Mrs Hudson was not impressed at its arrival and said pointedly to Dr Watson, “I do hope you don’t intend playing that whilst I am in the house.  The ukulele last week was bad enough.”

Dr Watson explained it was for a case, so Mrs Hudson added, “And don’t let Mr Holmes play it either!”

Fortunately she went out shortly afterwards, which gave the doctor an opportunity to try out playing the organ.  It was quite heavy and the doctor at first had difficulty turning the handle at the right speed.  The ocelot helped by telling him whether he was going too slowly or too quickly until finally the tune was reasonably recognisable.

Meanwhile, the ferret declared it was bad enough being a monkey and therefore he refused to dance.  Mouselet told him not to be so ridiculous and proceeded to teach him a few basic steps.

The moment of truth came when the ferret had to stand on top of the barrel organ and dance whilst the doctor played it.  This was not very successful at first, since the ferret kept falling off.  The ferret suggested he could stand on the ground and dance, but this was vetoed, as he looked even less like a monkey on the ground than when on the barrel organ.

“And anyway,” the ocelot said as he shoved him back on top of the barrel organ again, “your dancing does provide a certain distraction from Doctor Watson’s look of panic at having to play the thing.”

Finally the performance was declared a reasonable success and forewarned by Inky - who had spotted Mrs Hudson on her way home - the doctor gratefully put the barrel organ down.

The sloth brought out the costume and the ferret put the jacket on. 

“You should do the jacket up,” the sloth said.  “It would look smarter.”

The ferret wrestled with the buttons, but the end result looked very unsatisfactory.

“No, you can’t go like that,” Mouselet said.  “You’ll bust the buttons off, which will just look silly.  It’s the result of too many snacks,” she added, prodding the ferret’s furry tummy for emphasis.

“Well,” said the ocelot, “you don’t look too bad, all things considered.  And with any luck you won’t have to play the part for very long.”

“And what do we do if we meet the real organ grinder?” Dr Watson asked.

“Run!”


	5. A Tide in the Affairs of Men (and Ferrets)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will the plan succeed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for LJ's Watson Woes JWP#20 "There is a tide in the affairs of men" - Shakespeare: Julius Caesar

“There is a tide in the affairs of men,” said Dr Watson, “and ferrets,” he added for the benefit of his companion, “which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.”

The ferret looked extremely unconvinced.

“So, let’s grasp the tide firmly with both hands,” the doctor continued.

It was as well the ferret didn’t have eyebrows, for they would have risen above his head.

“Or failing that the barrel organ.  And see if we can earn our fortune.”

They turned the corner which led from a narrow alleyway into a dingy looking square, the ferret balanced precariously on top of the barrel organ.

Dr Watson turned the handle, the music blared out, and the ferret attempted a rather shuffling dance.  A couple of urchins pointed and laughed and one even came over and dropped a couple of small coins in the collecting tin.  (It was Wiggins, who had been primed in advance.)

They were starting to think that was all the attention they would receive, when a couple of men wandered casually over and while one of the men dropped a handful of coins in the tin, the other said, “ ‘Ere, this is for One-Eyed Alf” and passed over a small packet, which the doctor slipped into his coat pocket.

The first man then said loudly, “Right, I’ve given you some money, so you can clear off and leave us all in peace.”

The doctor didn’t need telling twice and quickly made his way into another of the alleyways.  There a further man stepped out of the shadows.

“I’ll take that packet, Doctor,” he said.

“Certainly, inspector.  And then I am going home to remove this ridiculous outfit.”

“I don’t blame you.  Please could you tell Mr Holmes I shall be along later.”

“Of course.  Until then, Hopkins.”

The doctor headed off and once they were out of the maze of alleyways he counted the contents of the tin. 

“Hmm,” he said.  “Not bad for ten minutes work.  Fancy a snack, ferret?”


	6. Meeting the "Matilda Briggs"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having seen the contents of the packet originally destined for One-Eyed Alf, it is apparent further action must be taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for LJs Watson's Woes July Writing Prompt "Send Holmes and/or Watson down to the dockyards". Watson is not going alone.

It turned out the packet for One-Eyed Alf contained two vital documents.    Holmes and Hopkins read through them with growing alarm.  It was clear as soon as Alf realised his documents had been appropriated by another he would escalate his plans, even though he would be lacking some important information.

Hopkins took up the London Gazette and scanned the list of vessels expected to dock in the following twenty-four hours.  “The _Matilda Briggs_ is due in at eight o’clock tonight,” he said.  “I shall meet her and seek to collect the parcel from the courier myself.”

“No,” Holmes said firmly, “That is too much of a risk.  These men are ruthless.”

There was a muffled squeak from somewhere behind the wainscoting.

“I’m not afraid,” Hopkins replied.

“I did not think you were, dear fellow,” Holmes said, to the accompaniment of an equally muffled sigh.  “However, we have a friend aboard the ship, who I believe will enable us to intercept the courier at a safer location.  At least we can be sure our opponents do not know the identity of the courier, so they will be unable to contact him immediately.”

“But how will you communicate with your friend?” Hopkins asked.  “You will be recognised instantly.”

“Watson will go.”

“Surely it will be as dangerous for him?”

“He will be quite safe.  He will not need to approach the vessel.”

“Very well, if you say so.  I shall leave now, but will return again later.  What time do you suggest?”

“If you are here by ten o’clock I should have further news.”

Once Hopkins had left, Holmes turned to Watson.  “I presume you have no difficulties with the arrangements?”

“None whatsoever, fortunately no-one will look twice at a doctor apparently on his way to a patient.”

***

Shortly before eight Watson descended from a cab, holding his medical bag.  However, instead of heading towards the row of houses, he slipped through the dock gates and, once satisfied he was safely in the shadows, put his bag on the ground, opened it and the ferret hopped out.  The two of them made their way to the main building to find where the _Matilda Briggs_ was due to berth.  Once they had located her, for she had just docked, Watson again disappeared into the shadows, whilst the ferret trotted towards the ship.

He didn’t have long to wait, for shortly afterwards he spotted a creature making its way down the mooring line.  The ferret had no difficulty in recognising the giant rat of Sumatra and gave a short squeak of acknowledgement.  The giant rat replied with a low grunt, and continued down the mooring line, stepping delicately over the rat guards on the rope, which would have deterred a smaller animal.

Once on land the giant rat and the ferret touched noses in greeting and then set off towards the main gangplank where the other passengers were disembarking, the giant rat leading the way.


	7. Following the Courier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The giant rat and the ferret follow the courier to find where he is staying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for LJ's Watson's Woes JWP Amnesty prompt: "Dogs and cats turning detective". Or, in this case, a giant rat and a ferret.

The courier walked briskly away from the _Matilda Briggs_ and headed out of the dockyard and into the maze of alleyways.  It appeared he was concerned he would be followed, for every so often he paused and took a careful look round.  However, since he never looked down he was quite unaware of the giant rat and the ferret who were close behind.

The ferret, in truth, wasn’t entirely happy with the area, but the giant rat seemed unconcerned, so the ferret stayed close to his new friend.  They followed the courier for about fifteen minutes, at one point walking in a full circle, until he finally entered a boarding house. 

The ferret and the giant rat looked at each other in some surprise.  They had been expecting the courier to be staying at a common seamen’s mission, or something similar, but this was considerably better appointed.  It was somewhere the better class traveller would stay, generally when they had arrived on a late tide and were travelling on the following day, or when due to leave on an early tide.  It was also sufficiently respectable as a place for an officer’s wife to stay having waved off her husband, or in expectation of his arrival.

“Surely he can’t be staying here,” the ferret said.

“It would seem unlikely,” the giant rat agreed.  “Maybe he’s meeting someone.  Either way, one of us needs to get inside to find out.”

“No-one’s going to want a ferret wandering around in a respectable boarding house.”

“They’ll be even less happy with a giant rat.  Besides which, someone needs to tell Dr Watson where the courier is.”

They had walked round to the back of the building as they were talking.  They could see a kitchen maid playing with a couple of kittens by the back door.

Suddenly, the giant rat spotted something.  He dragged out of the gutter a small, rather dirty, child’s muff and looked at the ferret.  “This will be perfect,” the giant rat said.  “Say miaou!”

 


	8. 'Kitten'

Fortunately the maid was rather short sighted, and didn’t seem to realise she had gathered up an extra ‘kitten’ when she took them back inside.  The other kittens weren’t happy and wriggled in an effort to escape, so the maid soon put them on the floor.  At which point the ferret pushed his head and front legs out of one end of the muff and his back legs out of the other and made his way rapidly towards the kitchen door. 

He made it up the first flight of stairs and began working his way along the passageway, hoping to find the courier.  He was wondering whether it would be safe to discard the muff, when he heard footsteps coming along after him, so retreated into the muff and gave a faint ‘mew’.

“Flaming cats,” a man’s voice said.

“I think they’re very sweet,” a woman, presumably his companion, answered.

The man made a show of searching in his pockets, before adding, “You go on to the room.  I seem to have left my pipe in the dining room.  I’ll just go and fetch it and be back in a minute.”

He walked slowly back down the passage, ensuring the woman was safely in the room, and then instead of going downstairs towards the dining room, he ran up to the next floor.  A few seconds later the ferret saw the man coming downstairs again, accompanied by the courier.  A package changed hands and the courier slipped down the stairs and shortly afterwards there was the sound of the front door closing.

The first man turned and began to walk towards his room, but stopped by the still muff-disguised ferret.  He bent down.

“How would it be if I wrung your neck?” the man asked, putting one grubby hand out.

 For answer, the ferret pushed his head out of the muff and bit hard on the man’s thumb.  Once satisfied the man would think twice before threatening another small animal, the ferret let go and trotted down the stairs, still wearing the muff. 

It was time to find Dr Watson and the Giant Rat to let them know what had happened.

 


	9. Lily Pads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration for this chapter was provided by SCFrankles.

The Ferret enjoyed a well deserved sleep that night, so by the time he reached 221B the following morning the rest of the gang were already gathered.  The Ocelot explained the Giant Rat was following the man from the boarding house (first reports indicated he was sporting a large bandage on his thumb and was extremely tetchy when he knocked it on anything).

“And in the meantime,” the Ocelot continued, “our assistance is required on another case.”

The Ferret nodded, he was only half listening, his attention having been taken by a large piece of toast and jam which was underneath one of the chairs.  Clearly Mr Holmes had departed part-way through breakfast.

“Crossing the pond via the lily pads.”

The Ferret looked up, having realised the Ocelot had stopped speaking and everyone was looking at him.  “What?”

Inky said pointedly.  “You are going to eavesdrop on the park keeper, by crossing the pond via the lily pads.”

“Can’t I just walk round the pond?”

“Not when he’s in one of the rowing boats.  Weren’t you listening at all?”

“Won’t it look a little strange to see a ferret on a lily pad?”

The Sloth smiled.  “We’ve got you a costume.”

“How strong are the lily pads?”

“They’ll be fine as long as you keep moving.  There’s a post in the middle for you to sit on while you listen to the conversation,” the Ocelot said.

The Ferret didn’t look too convinced.

“And you can swim, can’t you?” Mouselet added.

“Let’s hope he doesn’t have to,” the Sloth said.  “The leg movement will be all wrong.”

The Ferret looked even less convinced.

The costume turned out to be an old sock, which had been dyed green (“so do try not to get it too wet, the dye may run”), with small holes for his face and front paws, and two white balls of material sewn on top of the head for eyes.  It didn’t look too bad when he sat on his haunches inside the costume; at least if the viewer stood on the other side of the room.  His tummy made the costume bulge slightly but the general consensus was that this didn’t matter too much.

“Fat frog,” said Mouselet, prodding him.

When it was time to go, Dr Watson returned to carry the Ferret in his medical bag.  The Ferret had maintained he was quite capable of making his own way to the park, but the Ocelot had insisted it would be better if he went in costume.

The Ferret dutifully hopped his way across the lily pads to the post.  Some of the pads were a bit further apart than he was happy with, but, apart from the odd wobble, he made it safely.  The conversation the park keeper had was, quite frankly, rather boring, but the Ferret listened attentively anyway.  Clearly it had to be important, otherwise there was little reason for meeting in the middle of the pond.

When the park keeper began to row back to the side of the pond the Ferret started his journey back too.  About half way he was feeling quite pleased with himself, when he misjudged a leap, there was a loud splash, and he was in the pond.  Fortunately he didn’t have too much further to go and the Ferret paddled furiously back to the side, where Dr Watson pulled him out and wrapped him in a towel, before putting him back in the medical bag.

Once in 221B he was helped out of his costume.

“I was right,” said the Sloth.  “The dye’s run.  We won’t be able to use this costume again.”

“Good,” muttered the Ferret.  “Mouselet, why are you giggling?  I didn’t think landing in the pond was at all funny.”

“It’s just,” Mouselet tried hard not to giggle long enough to answer him.  “The dye has run out of the costume and into your fur.  You are now a Green Ferret.”

 


	10. That Ain't No Mongoose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for the Gift prompt on Holmes Minor

Fortunately for all concerned, once the Ferret had spent a while in a warm bath most of the green dye came off him.  He was drying off when word reached them from the Giant Rat that he had learned the packet was shortly to change hands again.  Dr Watson and Sherlock Holmes left Baker Street, the Ferret once more in the Doctor’s medical bag.

They rendezvoused successfully with the Giant Rat who indicated the man from the boarding house talking to a second man on a corner of the street.

“I need to get closer to them,” Holmes said.

It was here Holmes’ remarkable gift for improvisation came into its own.  “Quick Watson,” he said.  “You remember Henry Wood, don’t you?  If you give me a hand I can pass for a crooked ex-soldier.”

It took less than a minute for Holmes to transform himself.

“But Wood had a mongoose,” the doctor said.

“And we have a ferret.”

“I’m not sure …” Watson began.

“He’ll be fine.”

The Ferret wasn’t sure either, but mainly because he hadn’t any idea what a mongoose was.  Holmes gave him whispered instructions as they made their way closer to their quarry.

“Spare a few coppers for an old soldier,” Holmes croaked.  “And my mongoose will do tricks for you.”

The Ferret sat on his haunches and begged.

Holmes produced a small hoop from an inside pocket which the Ferret tried to jump through, only he tripped and fell on his face.  Nevertheless he stood back up and gave a bow.

“I’m not too convinced about your mongoose,” the second man said, “but you can have some of my change.”

The man from the boarding house peered at the Ferret, who gave him his fiercest mongoose stare.  “He looks a bit like the kitten which bit me,” he said, looking ruefully at his bandaged thumb.

“You need your eyes examining,” his companion replied.  “That’s no bl*** cat.  But if I were you, old timer, I’d take the animal back where you got it from, ‘cos it ain’t a mongoose either.”

“Thank you, sir.  Very kind of you, sir,” Holmes said, before scooping up the Ferret and hobbling off.  Once out of sight of the two men he stood up straight and chuckled.  The Ferret felt slightly insulted, he didn’t think his performance had been that bad.

“An excellent diversion,” Holmes said.  “Whilst they were watching your antics I swapped their packet for one of my own.  We now have the final piece of the puzzle.”

 


End file.
